Day 11

Today was a good day. I think I overcame my funk by letting go of expectations. One of my classmates, Judy from Switzerland, was talking about how she's known people who use control to manage their anxiety and it occurred to me I'm trying to let go of control to manage mine.

When I am less anxious, I open up and become me, so to speak. When I'm overwhelmed, I shut down and trust is elusive. I become defensive, irritable, often feel a sense of engulfment, and I don't feel me. Today I just kind of pretended to be open and I felt a shift. It took a while and what I found that helps is connection with people.

I had a good chat with Warren, the amiable DC former corporate big-wig who, like me, is 70 this year. Jutta, who is in my class, invited me to dinner with her family (husband's family who are locals). I got a photo with Patrick, and, of whom, classmates tell me is my twin:

I shared with Euan that I didn't to go to the cinema and the Scotsman's smile when he said "You'll get another chance" in that amazing accent that seems to dance as much as sing, was so disarming (I'm thinking he's keen on futból so maybe he'll come with me on the 22nd to see Liverpool FC 🤞🏼).

If I had not tried to open up, I may not have had those experiences. I do have a bit of shame about being my age and going through this, but, fuck it.

Tonight was an event, a kind of musical minstral-like stage performance in a downtown teatro, El  Sodre, and we went as a group, about 16 of us:

The bald guy in the back is Warren. Much of Montevideo is like what's in this photo. There's a clash of a colonial past and the missteps of the recent past. The brutalist 70s office, next to the 200-year-old church, next to the state-of-the-art government administration edificios is kind of chaotic but Montevideo's history has been chaotic.

Anyway, I'm discovering things here and in myself and just kind of putting one foot in front of the other.

So, the show? Yeah it was kind of like Lawrence Welk was hired by RuPaul to stage a musical but wasn't given enough money and a community group came in and made it their own.

The singing was amazing and I understood some ... words. I have no idea what it was about and I'd say the average age of the crowd was 72, but people had fun and I found my way back to the flat without incident.

Tomorrow is school, lunch at Green to Go,more study, and dinner at Jutta's. Should be fun, If I can open to it. We shall see.

Buenas noches chicos ❤️

PS - Silvie texted that she made it home safe 🙏🏼